


Stars Watch Me Fall Apart

by Sarara3



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Allusions to Promiscuity, Destructive Behavior, Excessive Drinking, F/M, Sad, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, bar fighting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2014-04-21
Packaged: 2018-01-20 07:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1502219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarara3/pseuds/Sarara3
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bones springs the news on Jen that he's going to leave her to try being with Jocelyn again (for Joanna's sake) and Jen doesn't take it so well. She starts drinking more and fighting, but she meets a man who helps keep her from getting into too much trouble.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Stars Watch Me Fall Apart

**Author's Note:**

> I can't remember what inspired me to write this, but I've been working on it for a while and I'm pretty satisfied with it.
> 
> The title is a lyric from ["JOY" by Ellie Goulding](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01I2dCa3BvA).
> 
> I was originally going to have the alternate love interest be just some guy I made up, but then I decided to find someone from TOS who doesn't get so much attention. After very little research, I found [Tristan Adams](http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/Tristan_Adams), who was a psychologist and proponent of prison reform. I sorta fell in love with him immediately, so he ended up in the story. In my head, he sorta looks like [Jeffrey Dean Morgan](http://31.media.tumblr.com/cfcfa84a064ef9805fce3e01783a0f76/tumblr_n3o4u8zTLd1qed3doo2_250.gif) when he guest-starred on Shameless :3

It had been a year since Bones had announced that he was getting back together with Jocelyn. He and Jen had developed a relationship during the first ever deep space mission of the Starship Enterprise, but he had also rekindled his relationship with Jocelyn. During their fourth year of the long-term mission, Bones had announced to Jen that they would have to dissolve whatever relationship they had been working on.

_“I don’t understand… You’re leaving me for your ex-wife?”_

_“I know it’s difficult to accept, kid, but –”_

_Jen’s stomach roiled. “If we’re having this conversation, please don’t call me ‘kid.’”_

_“Okay… I’m sorry, Jen. But, yes, the gist of it is that I’m getting back together with my ex-wife.”_

_“You’re_ leaving me _for her.” Jen corrected. Bones chose not to address the correction, shrugging it off._

_“We’ve been talking a lot recently and we think maybe our relationship deserves another shot. And we want to try again for Joanna.”_

_An involuntary frown overtook Jen’s face as she nodded. In a shaky voice, she said, “So, you think that a previously failed relationship deserves a second chance while a newly developed one doesn’t deserve a first one?” She could not meet his eyes._

_“Dammit, Jen, that’s not what I’m saying at all! I’ve been talking to her a lot about it and –”_

_“And what about me?!” she found herself shrieking. “I didn’t deserve to be a part of that conversation? Maybe I’m not the mother of your child, but I’m still a part of your life and… Goddammit, Bones… you’re my everything! Why wouldn’t you think I needed to be a part of that conversation?” Her voice broke and tears began to stream down her face._

_“I’m thinking about Joanna, darlin’, you have to be able to appreciate that. It’s not like you and I were ever really together and I never stopped loving Jocelyn.” Bones knew it was the exact wrong thing to say as soon as it left his mouth because of the wounded sound that was wrenched from Jen’s throat. She pressed the heel of her hand into her chest in a vain attempt to soothe herself. He started to apologize when Jen cut him off._

_“I understand. You’re concerned about your daughter and her well-being. She deserves to have two parents who love one another and I don’t fit into that scenario.”_

_“Jen, that’s not fair!”_

_“It’s perfectly fair, Leonard, and I understand. Really I do. Now, if that’s all?” Bones looked at her with knit eyebrows. Again, she couldn’t look him in the eye because hers were dangerously filled with tears. If she looked at him, she wouldn’t have been able to maintain her already fragile composure. She turned away from him and strode towards the door. It whooshed open and she stood next to it, indicating that Bones should leave. He frowned and nodded, walking toward the door._

_“Jen, I’m so sorry…”_

_“Thank you, Dr. McCoy, that will be all.”_

_He left without another word and the door closed behind him with an air of finality. As soon as it was completely shut, she locked it, disabling any medical override, and sank to the floor. Horrendous sobs ripped through her body and hot, angry tears poured from her eyes. She banged her head on the wall behind her and screamed in agony. This continued for almost a full hour, though Bones had only stayed for the first twenty minutes; more than that would have been impossible for him to endure. Once she was able to regain her senses, Jen had taken herself off of the shift rotation for four days straight. Those days were spent in bed, ignoring any queries to her health. Afterwards, she’d resumed her command as though nothing had happened._

The next year had been one of the longest in her life because she knew that once they returned to Earth, Bones would be gone; he would be back with his ex-wife. The year was exciting enough because they were never really idle, but it was still horribly painful because of the knowledge creeping under her very flesh. Bones had stopped coming to the Bridge unless he was summoned and Jen had stopped inviting him on landing parties unless there was a very specific need for a senior doctor; she usually opted for Dr. M’Benga or a nurse.

Before landing on Earth again, Jen needed to issue a video for the crew. A week before setting down, she sat at the desk in her quarters, composing what she would say on a PADD and drinking more whiskey than was strictly appropriate for recording a ship-wide message. She shook her muscles loose before setting aside the bottle and glass to be hidden from view.

“Computer, begin recording.” The computer chirruped its compliance. She smiled and launched into her message. “Hi, Enterprise Crew. This is Captain Jennifer Kirk, as I’m sure you all know, but this is official, so there it is. And if you don’t recognize me by now, then we’ve got bigger problems.” Pike would probably scold her for that when he saw her, but she’d cross that bridge when she got to it. She pressed on. “Just a few announcements and reminders before we get planet-side. We will be Earth-bound for a full year, but that doesn’t mean you should be idle. A certain portion of it can, of course, be spent on leave, but I also recommend taking continuing education classes at the academy for everyone.

“Furthermore, any and all recertifications should be done within this year. I’m sure we would all prefer to not be caught in the air with any expired licensure. Also, any…” She coughed and shifted uncomfortably. “Any requests for reassignment should be submitted to Starfleet immediately but not later than six months prior to the next departure; if your request is received after that time, it will not be considered until the next cycle. One month before the next scheduled departure, you will receive notification of the time and date. Any issues should be brought to my attention at that time, if not beforehand. Any questions before we get to Earth should be submitted to me as soon as possible. Thank you for your time and enjoy the next week in the black. Kirk out. Computer end recording.”

As the computer finalized the recording and waited for her to issue it to the crew, she downed the rest of her glass. She winced and set the glass down harder than she intended, shattering it in her hand.

“Ah, shit!” she yelled. Glass had imbedded in her hands and she began to bleed freely. Taking off her sweater, she wrapped her hand up. The cold air hit her shoulders and she shivered slightly. She still had a racerback tank top on, so she felt comfortable walking to Medical as she was dressed. The sweater was quickly turning red as she cradled her hand. Right as she reached the door, she turned back and said, “Computer, issue that message to the entire crew. Field all questions to my inbox to be dealt with in the morning.” She heard it acknowledge the request and headed out.

The walk to Medical was slow because she was stumbling a little from the booze in her system. She walked into the sterile room and stopped in her tracks. Leonard was standing at the opposite end of the room with a clipboard in hand, doing inventory. Uhura stood with him, chatting pleasantly. They both looked up as she entered and their flow of conversation halted.

“Jesus, Jen, what happened?” Uhura rushed over and reached for her bundled hand.

It took Jen a moment before she could form proper words. “I… had an accident…” she said pathetically.

“An accident with what? Jack Daniels’ ghost?” Bones scolded as he pulled her hand under a light. He examined her wounds and she refused to answer the question or even look at him.

“Honey, are you okay?” Uhura asked, getting close enough to see the tears swimming in Jen’s eyes.

Jen shook her head and bit her trembling lip. “So, what _did_ happen, Jen?” Bones asked, raising his eyebrows at her, expecting an answer.

“Like I said, I had an accident.”

“What _kind_ of accident?”

“An accident that ended with glass in my hand, can we deal with it so I can go to bed?”

“I’m just a little concerned, Jen, because you smell like a distillery and there’s glass in your hand! What do you expect?” Uhura attempted to calm Bones into backing off, but he didn’t seem intent on it.

“I expect you to accept the answer I give you, patch me up, and let me go!” Her voice was surprisingly authoritative for how drunk she was.

“Guys, please!” Uhura raised her voice, silencing both of them. “I won’t even pretend to know what’s going on between the two of you, but this is ridiculous. Leonard, patch her up. Jen, when he’s done, you’re going to go to bed and get sober. Is that understood?” They both nodded. “Good!”

Jen sometimes wondered if Uhura shouldn’t be the captain instead of her. The woman seemed to genuinely enjoy communications, though, and Jen doubted if she would ever pursue a Chair of her own. Anything was possible, she supposed. Before Jen knew it, her hand was cleaned up and bound with healing tape. Bones said she was okay to go and she left eagerly. She stumbled again, bracing herself against the door frame.

Uhura rushed up behind her and placed a hand on the small of her back. “Let me help you back to your room?” Jen nodded and Uhura bade Bones goodnight. “Can I ask what’s going on?”

“You can, but not til we get to my place.” A single tear slipped from her eye and she swiped at it furiously. They made the trip pretty quickly and Jen opened her door to hurry inside and flop onto her bed. As she waited for Uhura to accompany her, she realized she wasn’t wearing shoes. _Walked all the way down to Sick Bay without shoes. Huh…_

“Okay, spill!”

“I got a little drunk, recorded the message for the crew, got a little more drunk, and when I put the glass down, I used a little more force than necessary and it shattered in my hand.”

“Why were you getting so drunk?”

“Because we’re planet-side next week.” Jen’s voice began to break a little as her throat clamped down on her words.

“And what does that mean for you? I know you prefer being in space, but there’s something about being on Earth that scares the hell out of you.”

“Bones is getting back together with Jocelyn.” The words came out in barely more than a whisper. “He’s leaving me for his ex-wife.” She curled up into herself and began to cry.

“Shit…” Uhura whispered and took Jen’s hand. “I didn’t even know you two were together.”

Jen laughed bitterly. “Well, it wasn’t sanctioned, so I guess it wasn’t official. But, I thought we were going to take those steps. I was going to ask when he started acting weird so I backed off. Then, last year, he drops the bomb that he’d been talking with Jocelyn and they’re getting back together. So when we land, he’s gone…”

Uhura was silent for a moment, considering. Then she burst out with, “I can’t believe he’s getting back together with her!”

“Right?!”

“And why wouldn’t he discuss it with you first? Especially if you two had something going on”

“Uhura, you’re asking the exact same questions I did. And you’ll be just as displeased with the answer I got, I expect.”

“What did he say?”

“He said, ‘I’m thinking about Joanna, darlin’, you have to be able to appreciate that.’ And on a certain level I do, but on most levels, I think it’s bullshit.”

Uhura shook her head. “It’s unfair that he brought his daughter into it. He knows you’ll never come between him and his girl.”

Jen fell silent, knowing it to be true. After a little while more of softer conversation, Uhura laid down next to Jen and they fell asleep. The next morning, tea and pain relievers were waiting for Jen on her desk. A note sat with them, letting her know that Uhura had had plans with Spock so she’d had to leave, but she would be back to check on her. Jen smiled at her friend’s concern before getting showered and changed.

The next week passed surprisingly quickly and they landed on Earth again before Jen was fully prepared. She hadn’t had to answer many crew questions and was mostly the subject of well wishes. Upon landing, pretty much everyone went their separate ways. Jen had a meeting with Pike before she was able to actually start her leave. She walked up to his office and knocked.

“Enter!” She opened the door and stepped inside. He smiled at her immediately and motioned for her to sit. “So, Captain Kirk,” Jen would never stop loving the way her title sounded coming from Pike. “How was your first five-year mission?”

“I couldn’t be happier with how it turned out. I mean it. We had a lot of exciting times, some boring times, but I’ve never been happier to be anywhere than on that ship.”

“I’ve been going over your Captain’s logs. They’re good. Your form could use a little work, but I expect the Fleet will forgive that for now since you’re one of the finest captains we’ve ever had.” Jen glowed with pride. “I saw your end of mission message.” And here it was. “Were you drunk?”

Jen sighed. “Not entirely, sir, but I was working on it. I know I got a little loopy at the beginning, but I did get all the necessary information out. I apologize, sir.”

“That’s fair, but for future reference, don’t issue messages like that after you’ve been drinking.” He eyed her carefully, trying to see the problem through the blush on her cheeks. She was a little reluctant to meet his eyes because she knew – unless she schooled her features perfectly – he could read her like a book. “Are you alright, honey?”

She smiled at her father figure, fixing the ruse in place. “I am, sir. I promise.” They parted ways and Jen went back to her apartment. As soon as she got in, she dropped her bags on the floor and deflated. She’d watched Bones walk away and into the arms of his ex-wife. Joanna had waved at her from a distance, but Jen couldn’t bear to walk over. She was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to sleep for the next year. Since she had education plans during that time, she decided that perhaps just the next week would be spent in bed. Without picking up her belongings, she trudged to her bedroom, drew the shades closed, and crawled under the covers.

The very next night, Jen was at a bar, having abandoned all plans to live in bed, and getting into a fight. If anyone had asked, she wouldn’t have been able to recall what the fight had even been about, but she knew it felt good. She stumbled, alone, into a free clinic the next block over from her apartment and sat down heavily in one of the waiting room chairs.

“Captain Kirk?” Jen looked up to see a surprisingly familiar face looking at her from behind the safety glass. She smiled, still drunk and riding high from the fight.

“Hey, Christine!”

“Are you alright, sir?”

She shrugged. “Could use a little help, I guess.”

Nurse Chapel patched Jen up as best she could and gave her a few hypo sprays for the pain she would no doubt be experiencing in the morning. Jen was able to stumble home by herself and flop back into bed with a smile on her face.

Two nights later, Jen was being pulled by a man – whose name she had already forgotten – into a cab so they could go to his apartment. He gave the cabbie an address just in time for Jen to climb into his lap. They made out like teenagers until the car pulled up outside his building. The man threw some cash into the front seat, more than enough to cover cost and tip, and they tumbled upstairs. By the end of the night, Jen had enough hickeys to cover her old bruises and enough bite marks to make movement interesting.

As the man lay splayed out on the bed, snoring away, Jen searched through his pockets to find his wallet. His ID told her his name was Tristan Adams. His name sounded vaguely familiar to her and she would have to try and remember to look him up later. She left him a note, thanking him for the good night and telling him to find her again someday, and then she left.

Over the next semester, she took two advanced command classes that kept her days pretty busy, but her nights were still pretty open. Occasionally Uhura would call her up to get lunch or Scotty would drag her out to a game of some sort, but she never once heard from Bones.

“Don’t you ever wonder how Leonard is doing?” Uhura asked her one day at lunch.

Jen froze and then shrugged. “I mean, yeah, but clearly the guy doesn’t want me to know, right?”

“He still cares about you, Jen…”

“And that’s all fine and good. But clearly any involvement with me is going to get in the way of his happy family. I’m no home wrecker, Nyota.”

The concern on Uhura’s face was almost enough to break Jen’s heart. “Jen…”

“Listen, I gotta go. Finals to study for.” Jen got up from the table and disposed of her garbage. She put her bottle of water in her bag and slung it over her shoulder. “Call me soon, okay? Love ya!” With a kiss on the cheek, Jen was gone and Uhura was left worried.

Until finals were over, Jen was a good girl and didn’t go out to any bars or get in any fights. The marks she earned were dazzling, even to her, and she decided they deserved a celebration. Despite the chill, December air, Jen opted for a thin, low-cut, black shirt over a bright pink bra. It would be appropriate for the club she was going to, but she knew that if anyone from her crew saw her, they might have some questions. As she lined her eyes kohl black and mussed up her blonde hair, she hoped that the place would be too trendy for many Starfleet members; she needed a new crowd to hang with.

Despite her wish being granted, she was still recognized by many of the guests and employees. She was immediately welcomed into the VIP room where she saw a familiar face.

“Well, I’ll be damned. Jennifer Kirk. Of all the people I thought I’d see here tonight, you were not one of them.”

“Dr. Adams.” she purred, leaning into a kiss he placed on her neck instead of her cheek. The gesture made her shiver.

“I’m a little surprised you remember my name.”

“God’s honest truth? I looked at your ID before I left.”

Tristan laughed raucously and signaled to the bartender for another round. It didn’t take long for Jen and Tristan to get drunk and handsy. Jen suddenly felt a strong hand on her shoulder turn her around.

The man who had turned her looked like a brick wall; he was tall and broad, and looked like he could bench press Jen as a warm-up. “You Kirk?”

She smirked. “Who’s askin’?”

“I am!”

“How very specific of you! If I see her, I’ll let her know you’re lookin’.” She turned back to Tristan and grabbed her drink. It was knocked from her hand as she brought it to her lips. She stood and slowly turned to the man and raised an eyebrow.

“Your father died a hero and this is how you repay him? By getting drunk and slutty in a sleazy bar?”

“I choose to honor my father’s legacy by being a starship captain. What I do in my off time is no one’s business but my own. And for the record, you’re not doing _your_ father any favors by being in the same sleazy bar.”

“You should give more thought to how you present your –”

“Maybe to people who mean something to me, but I don’t even know who you are, so back off!”

“The lady said to back off. So I strongly suggest you back off, lest we get physical.” Tristan had stood up next to Jen. He still wasn’t as tall as the man before them.

He ignored Tristan completely and continued to berate Jen. “You’re spoiled and selfish and a disgrace to Starfleet, to your crew, and to your father! He would be _ashamed_ of you!”

That was all it took for Jen to lose her cool and swing her fist as hard as she could at his face. She felt something crack, though she couldn’t be certain if it was his face or her hand. The man she hit fell back and one of his buddies tackled Jen to the ground. He sat on her stomach and began punching her. She raised her arms to block and he nearly broke one of them. Tristan pulled the guy off of her and tried to lead the fight elsewhere. The man that Jen had punched landed a very hard kick to her ribs, breaking two of them. She curled up and, when the man stepped back to taunt her again, leapt to her feet. Before too long, the bouncers came over to break them up. At that point, Jen had drawn more blood as well as confirmed that her hand was broken. She was on her back on a table and landed a solid kick at the jaw of the brick-wall-man and then she was dragged to her feet by the bouncer.

“Captain, can we safely assume you didn’t start this fight?”

Her head was swimming, but she still had her wits about her enough to answer without being too snarky. “You can, sir. Well, physically I did, but I was very strongly provoked.” The other men in the fight were being put in cuffs and hauled away. The bouncer supporting Jen motioned for her to continue. “I was having a couple drinks with Dr. Adams here,” The man in question waved his hand and allowed a medic friend to tend to a laceration on his eyebrow. “When the particularly burly gentleman approached me, asking if I was Kirk, I rebuffed him, albeit not as politely as I could have because I was just looking to have a quiet drink. He then insulted my crew, my father, and myself. I apologize for losing my temper, but I refuse to tolerate that kind of disrespect.”

“Alright, Captain. That’s enough. We won’t press charges but can aid you in pressing charges against the ‘burly gentleman,’ if you like?”

“That’s very kind, but I think I’ll hold off. I could use a ride to see a doctor, though?”

“Of course, sir.” The bouncer called for assistance to bring Jen and Tristan to the closest medical center. After being patched up and spending the night, Jen was sent home. She was given very specific orders to stay in bed for a few days so she could have proper time to heal. Luckily, she had plenty of antique books in her apartment to keep her occupied while she healed.

Jen reached out to a couple crew friends to see if they wanted to spend time with her, but they all declined, saying they were busy for Christmas. Despite the fact that she should still be in bed, she went out to get a bottle of fine booze to spend her time with instead. She already had plenty in her kitchen, but Christmas was a special occasion, after all, and she figured she should have something special for it. No one came to see her except for a courier.

The courier handed her a note and wished her a Merry Christmas. She wished him the same and closed the door. It was a hand-written note on an antique-style card, which surprised her greatly; who took the time to do that kind of thing anymore? Right as she was about to tear it open, her comm sounded from the kitchen table. She grumbled and hobbled over to it. The view screen lit up with Christopher Pike’s face. He immediately grimaced at hers.

“What the hell happened to you, kid?”

“I had a minor disagreement with a man at a bar, sir.”

“Minor?”

“Well, sir, he said some pretty insensitive things about me and my crew and –”

“And this is reason enough to get your ass beat?”

“Hey, I did plenty of ass-beating myself!” she yelled. She instantly regretted it because yelling at this man never felt right to her; it was always supposed to be the other way around.

Pike took her tone to mean there was something worse. “What did he say, Jen?”

She sighed and rubbed her brow. “He said my father would be ashamed of me, Chris…”

Pike’s face suddenly changed. “And, this young man… Did you break his fucking nose?”

“I believe I did, sir.” Jen said, laughing.

“My good girl! We can talk later about the amount of fights you’ve been in since you’ve been back. But for now, I wanted to tell you Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, sir!”

He scoffed. “Don’t ‘sir’ me. Not today.” She nodded. “Got any plans?”

“I don’t. I’m supposed to be on bed rest so I’ll probably order food and watch some classic movies. I already asked around but no one wants to hang out with me.” She pouted impressively. “But… Thank you for calling, Chris. I really appreciate it.”

“I’d never let you go a holiday without a call from me.”

“And if you hadn’t called, I would have. You’re the only Old Man I have left!”

Pike snorted and rolled his eyes. “‘Old Man’ my ass. I’ll learn you ‘Old Man,’ young lady!”

After talking for a little longer, they said their goodbyes. Jen got up and poured a small glass of her special occasion booze and picked up the card from the courier. She took a sip from her booze and gently opened the envelope. The card inside was beautiful; it was a snowy farmhouse with Christmas lights and wreaths. It made her smile. That smile faltered when she opened it up and saw the handwriting on the inside. It was all-too-familiar and made her heart seize in her chest.

_Merry Christmas, kid. I’m still so sorry... Love, Bones._

Love, he’d said… He’d signed it with Love…

The small glass of booze would no longer cut it, she decided, and filled it almost to the brim. She downed half of it in one swig and tossed the card on her desk. She stared at it, frowning lips trembling. She tipped the rest of the contents into her mouth before smashing the glass on the floor and yelling in rage. Angry tears spilled down her cheeks and she sank down heavily in her desk chair. Before taking the bottle and settling into her bed for an evening of seasonal self-loathing, she set the card upright on the surface. She couldn’t ever stay that mad at Bones anyway…

At the beginning of the new year, Jen enrolled in three more classes to occupy her time. They would conclude exactly four days before the Enterprise was scheduled to fly again. She was convinced that taking three classes should be enough to keep her out of trouble.

Jen occasionally underestimated even herself.

On almost a weekly basis, Jen found herself stumbling into the free clinic for various cuts and bruises. Sometimes Tristan was with her, most of the time she was alone. She had virtually memorized Nurse Chapel’s schedule so that she would know when not to go to the clinic; it would be better if no one she commanded knew what kind of trouble she was getting into.

One night, when she had gone home with Tristan, they lay naked together in his bed. He was looking at her, almost scrutinizing, as she caught her breath with an easy smile on her face. She opened her eyes and caught him staring. Blushing, she asked him what he was thinking.

“Are you okay?” The question took her by surprise.

“I mean, I might not be able to walk tomorrow, but otherwise, yeah. Why?”

“Not that I don’t appreciate the time we spend together, because I _really_ enjoy the time we spend together,” The comment was made more lascivious by him crowding into her space and slipping his knee between her thighs. She licked her lips and waited for him to continue. “But I feel like you’re engaging in a lot of self-destructive behavior. You’re drinking and fighting an awful lot, Jen. Is there something I should be concerned about?”

Jen groaned and flopped back on the bed. Tristan ran his hand along her stomach and licked between her breasts until he reached her collar bone, where he placed a simple kiss. “We were having such a good time, why are you shrinking me, Tristan?”

“I’m just a little worried about you, honey. That’s all.”

“And no one on my crew asked you to check in on me?”

“Who on your crew even knows we’re seeing one another?”

“Fair enough.”

“So, is my concern wasted? Or..?”

She sighed. “Not really wasted, I guess… Just a little unexpected.” They sat in a little bit of an awkward silence for a while before Jen shifted and said, “I’d better get going…”

“Aw, come on, Jen. Please don’t?” Tristan clutched at her arm, trying to keep her in bed.

“You can’t expect me to spill all my dirty laundry here. I’ve got shit you don’t need, Adams.”

“I’m not asking for your shit anymore; if you want to talk to me about it you will. I’m just asking you to stay here. With me. For a little while.”

Jen looked in his eyes, trying to find any betrayal of his words or any misdirection. She found none. “You want me to stay the night?”

“I’d like you to stay the weekend. I know you have class on Monday, but I’d like you to stay until then. If you want…”

Jen smiled and kissed him. “I suppose I could do that.”

The morning Jen went home, she found another antique-style card had been slipped under her door. She put off reading it until Friday afternoon when she knew she could get blind drunk without missing class. It had been a note from Bones wishing her a happy birthday.

A month before the Enterprise would lift off, Jen received her crew roster as well as an upsetting official notice. She couldn’t bear to look at the roster yet and, instead, went to a club. It was the same club she’d had the fight in months ago, but the bouncers knew she hadn’t exactly started it, so they let her in easy. She had opted for a tight fitting leather pants and a silver top that left very little to the imagination.

As she danced with any willing partner and drank until the room spun, she thought she saw a familiar face in the crowd. Bones would never be caught dead in a place like this, though, so she just assumed it was someone bearing a strong resemblance. Maybe she would find him later and ask him to take her home. But for now, she was more than all set just dancing and letting men buy her drinks. Tristan showed up at some point during the night and invited Jen over to his table. She very nearly sat on his lap as he fed her drink after drink after drink.

“For someone who was so concerned about me being self-destructive, you sure are enabling me quite a bit!” she yelled over the din.

“I figure one time of me enabling you can’t hurt. Besides,” he gestured to someone Jen wasn’t able to see. “You have a captive audience and I sort of feel like making someone _else_ the jealous party for once.”

Jen nuzzled his cheek and grabbed another drink from the plethora on the table in front of them. She had no idea what it was, but she was going to drink it anyway.

“Don’t tell me you get jealous of other men, Tristan?”

He shrugged, going for nonchalant but coming off as unsure and a little sheepish. “I’m allowed, aren’t I?”

“If you like.” She said as she licked into his mouth. He growled possessively and buried his hand in her hair.

Someone cleared his throat at the edge of their space and Tristan pushed at her shoulder weakly for a moment, but she did not relent. “Jen, you have company!” he was finally able to say.

She quirked an eyebrow at him as she withdrew and turned to see who the “company” could be. The man looked strangely familiar, but she couldn’t place him right away.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

“I’m here to settle a score for a friend.”

“What ‘score’ are you looking to settle, exactly?”

The man grabbed her by the arm and everyone around her was suddenly paying very close attention. Tristan stood as the man pulled Jen to her feet. “The last time you were in this club, you put a friend of mine in the hospital. He’s never quite recovered.”

Jen actually laughed at his audacity. “And you’ve, what, been coming here every night in hopes of seeing me so you can get revenge for that pile of pig shit?”

Before any other words or laughter could be uttered, the man punched Jen in the face, breaking her cheek bone. She fell to the floor and Tristan started fighting in her defense. Jen immediately jumped to her feet and entered the fray as well. She was never one to stand down from a fight and this would be no exception.

Tristan was thrown to the ground, bloody, and Jen stood over his prone form to defend the honor of both of them. The man took a swing at Jen and she dodged, using his own momentum to lunge him headlong into the table. She them climbed onto his back and smashed a bottle over his head. He reached back and flipped her over his shoulders to smack her onto the table. She felt shards of broken glass embed themselves in her flesh, but she didn’t care; there was a fight to be won! The bouncers had already made their way over and were breaking up fights on the perimeter of the area. Jen rolled over quickly and launched herself at the man who’d started it. She knocked him onto his back and began punching him, in rapid succession, in the face. He reached up and snagged a glass to break on her face. She felt the blood pouring from her brow into her eyes. In the back of her mind, she knew it would look worse than it was because of the sheer amount of blood vessels in the face and head.

Before she could move to attack him again, she felt a pair of strong hands hauling her up. As she felt herself being lifted, the guy on the ground landed a very solid kick to her ribs; one of her already broken ones cracked again. She howled and tried to retaliate, but she was already being dragged away and out through the back door.

“What the fuck, man?” she shouted as the strong hands continued to haul her away.

“Jen, calm down and sit still!” The voice struck Jen like ice water and she looked up at the man and laughed.

“Bones?”

“Yeah, kid. Where’s the key to your apartment?”

She tipped her head up and licked at his chin, still uninhibited by the alcohol in her system. “It’s in my bra. Feel like gettin’ it?”

Bones’ face twisted into his patented snarl and then dragged her out to the street to hail a cab. The cabbie recognized her and asked if she was “goin’ home or somewhere else.” Bones asked to take her home and the cabbie winked before pulling away from the bar. Jen spent the cab ride slumped over onto her doctor and smiling. Her face bled freely, but she didn’t care at all. Outside her building, Bones paid the man and escorted Jen inside.

Almost as soon as they got inside, her comm rang off from her desk. She stumbled to answer it; it was Tristan.

“Hi, babe!” Jen sing-songed at his projection. They both looked the worse for the wear.

“Hey, honey. You make it home okay? I saw you with some guy…”

“He’s a friend. I promise.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to –”

“Tristan.” That was all it took for the man to trust her, but she went on anyway. “He’s a friend. I’ll be okay. And now that I know you got home okay, I’ll be even better.”

“Alrighty. Talk to you soon, babe.”

“Okay, sugar. Bye, now!” Jen said before ending the transmission. She stretched, joints popping pleasantly.

“Stop stretchin’, Jen. You’ll hurt yourself more.” Jen started; she’d nearly forgotten he was there with her. “Come ‘ere.”

She walked over to her own kitchen table where Bones had set up a bastardization of an emergency room. Sitting heavily down, she winced.

“Let me take a look at ya…” Bones muttered, pulling her face closer to him. Her eyes slipped shut at his touch and she sighed. “What have you done, girl? There are bruises on top of bruises and these scars look fresh.”

His words made her harden again. She shrugged and said simply, “I’ve been busy.”

“I can see that. Why, though?”

“Have my reasons…”

“Don’t be juvenile, Jen! It’s unbecoming.”

“How’s your wife?” Jen asked suddenly, hoping to catch him off guard enough to shut him up.

He gaped at her for a moment before his eyes turned hard. “She’s fine, I s’pose. I’m here finalizing some things for the Fleet so I haven’t seen her in about a week, but she’s good. We’re good.”

“Oh? That’s good.” Jen’s voice was thick around the lump forming in her throat. “I’m real happy for you, Bones.”

“Listen, Jen, I’m sor –”

“You don’t need to –”

“No, I really do. I’m sorry for what I put you through, but I needed to see if this was going to work. For Jo.”

“I understand, Bones. I do. Your daughter is the most important thing in the universe to you. And she should be! I really do get that.”

“Then, why are you being such a brat about this?!”

“I’m not being a brat. I’m… Reluctantly surrendering.”

“What the hell does that even mean?” Bones scoffed.

“It means you should finish patching me up and go.”

They both sat in an awkward silence for a while as Bones mended Jen’s face and wrapped her ribs. When he was done, he put his hands between his knees, not knowing what else to do. After waiting a moment longer than she meant to, she stood and walked to her bedroom. Bones started to say something, but abandoned the thought. With her door still open, Jen stripped out of the clothes she’d been wearing to the club and put on a fresh pair of underwear and her old Starfleet Marathon tank top. She walked back into the kitchen where Bones still sat, uncomfortable with the way things were between them.

“Still here?” she asked, reaching up to open the cupboard with all her booze in it. She wasn’t terribly proud of the collection she’d amassed, but right now she didn’t care. She pulled down a brand new bottle of booze and cracked it open.

“I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m not. But I’ll be better if you go.”

He blinked in surprise. “What?”

Jen clinked a glass down on the counter, filled it halfway, and drained it immediately. She poured another one, and continued to not look at him as she said, “I’ve told you twice now to go. If I have to say it any more, I may not be so nice.” The second drink was poured into her mouth as well. Bones gaped at her like she was someone he didn’t even know.

“Can I ask something else before I go?” Jen jerked her eyebrow up as if to tell him “sure” and he went on. “Why?”

“Because you should go back to your hotel and call your wife.”

“Not that… Jen, please…”

Jen sighed and took a smaller sip of her booze and swallowed it hard, snarling. “Because everyone leaves, Bones. I once thought you were different because I loved you, but that seems to be the common denominator. Everyone leaves because I’m not good enough for them to stay.” She sniffed and drank more from the glass, getting ready to pour a fourth. “You know what’s really funny?”

“I get the feeling it’s not –”

“We were both broken when we met. Only I stayed broken enough to be worthless.” It was written all over his face that his heart was breaking because of what she was saying. Definitely time for him to go, then. “Now, please…” She moved away from the counter, taking the bottle and glass with her towards her bedroom. Pointing to the door, she said, “Get out of my apartment. Go back to your hotel. Call your wife. Leave me alone.”

Reluctantly, Bones nodded and stood to leave. On his way out the door, he stopped by her desk; the cards he had sent her stood displayed in the middle. He gently touched one of them. Then he was gone.

Without thinking, Jen hurled her glass at the door behind him, sending glass and ice and booze all over the room. A primal scream tore from her mouth and it didn’t stop until her face was red, her lungs were empty, and her throat was sore. After shocks of the rage shook her and made her sob. She raked her fingers through her hair and her hand slapped her thigh as she let he arm fall. An idea struck her and she hobbled over to the desk. Before too long, Tristan’s face appeared on her comm.

“Hey, baby, you alright?”

Jen shook her head. “Is that offer to come over still on the table?”

He smiled. “Always.”

“Door’s open, lover. And watch for glass on the floor.”

“On my way.”

Jen paced uneasily for a few moments before she carried the bottle to the counter and hopped up. There was a vague pain in her feet but she ignored it. Roughly twenty minutes later, Tristan knocked on the door to announce himself and then swung it open. He leaped over the bits of glass on the floor and closed the door, locking it. Without a single word, he strode over to the counter and wedged himself between Jen’s knees – even sitting on the counter, she was just as tall as he. Tristan removed the bottle from her hands and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, drawing her close to him. She went willingly and cried softly as he simply held her.

He didn’t ask any questions. He didn’t offer any distractions. He didn’t say anything at all. He just let her be for as long as she needed to be. She drew back from him and smiled a wounded smile. Her eyes were red and her face was stained with tears and still somewhat caked with blood.

“Thank you, Tristan.”

He leaned forward to kiss her forehead. “You’re very welcome, Jen.”

“What would I do without you?”

“You’d get drunk and go to bed alone. But I won’t let you be alone.” Jen surged forward to kiss him, trying to express everything she couldn’t put into words. Her stroked her arms and rubbed her back. The attempt to reassure her that she would be okay was only sort of working. He pulled back just enough to tease, “Wanna get drunk again and tumble into bed together?”

Jen laughed, despite herself, and said, “You’re a great enabler.”

The next morning, Jen woke up before Tristan. He lay next to her, chest bare and rising and falling steadily. She watched him for a while before he shifted in his sleep and opened his eyes. Drawing in a deep, sleepy breath, he reached out to pull Jen close to him. She giggled and wrapped her arms around his neck. She breathed in the scent of him and nuzzled his cheek.

“How are you? Be honest, Jennifer.” She scrunched her face up. “I’m not shrinking you. I just want to know.”

“I’ll be okay. I promise.”

“I’m not sure I believe you. But I trust you.”

“Listen, I’m being put on probation…” He kissed her but didn’t say anything. Jen knew she could count on him not to judge her. “So I’ll be local for a year, and…”

“You’ve got my number.” He kissed her nose and she hugged him close. They lay there and breathed in each other’s presence for a while before Tristan nudged her and asked, “Is he even on your ship?”

“You know what?” She ran her fingers through his hair and said, “I haven’t even looked at my roster.”

With that, she got out of bed and padded over to her desk, careful to hop into areas without broken glass. Despite the previous evening’s events, she was careful not to disturb the cards sitting on her desk. She didn’t linger on them, but she didn’t carelessly knock them over either. She carried the roster back into her room and plopped back down on the bed. Tristan was waiting with his arms open and the blanket ready to receive her. They snuggled together and Jen tried to keep her hands from shaking as she flipped through pages, noting certain names. Finally, she came to the page in question and traced a trembling finger down until she landed on “McCoy, Leonard H. – Chief Medical Officer.”

“I’ll be goddamned…”

The probationary year went as well as it could have. Being local to Earth, Jen spent most evenings talking to Tristan. He often wondered aloud to her if he shouldn’t just be on her ship. The option started to look better and better to her as the year passed on. Starfleet was always worried about the mental well-being of their crews anyway, why not have a counselor onboard? Those were thoughts to discuss with Pike, however. She would see him once they landed in a week and there would be plenty to discuss.

The biggest issue was Bones…

Bones attempted to act as if nothing had happened between them. Jen might have been able to forgive him had he only been acting as if nothing had happened while they were on Earth, but he acted as if they’d never been together in the first place. He wanted to pretend that their relationship had never happened, but he still wanted to be friends. More often than not, Jen met his jibes and quips with cold indifference. Very occasionally, she would shush him or send him off the Bridge; he still insisted on coming to the Bridge regularly because he thought it was a normality they shouldn’t abandon. After a long while, Jen stopped caring whether or not he was on the Bridge. As long as he was performing his duties, he could be wherever he liked.

“Captain?” Bones asked, stirring Jen from her reverie.

“Yes, Doctor?”

He stepped closer to the Chair so he could lower his voice. “May I request an audience at the close of shift?”

“Of course. Meet me in my Ready Room when you’re finished.”

“Thank you, sir.”

The close of shift was still two and a half hours away and Jen got more and more anxious about speaking to him as time dragged on. She’d been meaning to speak to him anyway, but now that he’d made the first move, she was nervous about what he wanted to say. Beta shift came onto the Bridge and Jen was relieved of duty for the day. She moved into her Ready Room and awaited Bones’ arrival. He knocked a few moments later.

“Come!”

Bones entered, looking a little uneasy, but he smiled, face softening completely, when he saw her sitting behind her desk. Jen motioned for him to sit.

“Hi, Jen.”

“What can I do for you, Dr. McCoy?”

“You don’t have to do that here, Jen… Do you?”

“What would you prefer I call you?”

“I dunno, maybe call me ‘Bones’ like you used to?”

Jen sighed, resigned to calling him his old nickname for at least the remainder of the conversation. “What can I do for you, Bones?”

He visibly relaxed a little. The topic he wanted to discuss still clearly weighed on his mind, but he was physically more able to relax in Jen’s presence. The thought made her heart constrict and she could almost taste bile rising in her throat.

“I wanted to talk to you about what’s been going on between us.”

“Is that so? Because, given the way that you’ve been acting since we took off again, I wasn’t sure there was anything at all going on between us.”

“I was trying to make things as painless as possible for you, Jen.”

“By acting like we were never together? By acting like I never meant anything to you? By acting like there is nothing wrong?” Her voice rose with each question, sounding angrier and more wounded. Bones pressed his lips together, feeling guilty.

“I’m sorry, Jen. I know we should have had this conversation a long time ago –”

“We probably shouldn’t have this conversation at all.”

“And I know that you deserve a great many explanations for my actions –”

“No, just one would suffice.”

“Dammit, Jen, will you let me say my piece?”

Jen had the decency to look petulant before apologizing. “I’m sorry, Bones, I won’t say anything else until you tell me it’s okay.”

“Thank you!” She was a little smug and pleased to be getting under his skin like this. But she would keep her word.

“I know that what I put you through was difficult. Beyond difficult. I had no right to cast you aside just because the mother of my child wanted a second chance. You deserve better than that. You deserve better than this. And you deserve better than me.” Jen fixed him with an unreadable expression and he sat there, very uncomfortable, for a long moment. “Do you want to scold me? Swear at me? Hit me? Anything?”

Jen made him sit there, pleading with his eyes, for several more moments before she sat forward, clasping her hands together on the desk. “I just have a question.” Her voice was deadly soft. Bones eagerly nodded for her to ask. “What makes you think you get to decide what’s best for me?”

“I… I don’t –”

“I chose you, Leonard McCoy. Does that mean nothing to you?”

“Jen, I –”

“I chose you because I thought that there was no way you would leave me. I chose you because of the history we had together. Do you remember what I said to you last year about being broken?” Bones knit his eyebrows together and nodded. He remembered all too well. “I’m still the only broken and worthless one in the room.”

“That’s not true, Jen!”

“It is, Bones. It is. You can go ahead and say it’s sad and it’s pathetic, but being that doesn’t make it any less true.”

An overwhelmingly heavy silence fell over the room and Bones racked his brain trying to think of a way to make her feel loved and she tried to keep from crying.

“Is there anything I can do to make this up to you?”

Jen considered for a moment. “How is your family? Still happy with your wife?”

Bones quirked an eyebrow. “Uhm… Yes, but I don’t see what –”

“You want to know how you can make this up to me?”

“Yes, Jen. Anything. Please!”

“I want your transfer orders in my hand before this time next month.”

He was too stunned to say anything. His eyes had grown comically wide – or it would be comedic if the situation had been different – and his mouth had dropped open. Blinking several times, he closed his mouth and fidgeted in his chair.

“You want me to transfer off the Enterprise.” It wasn’t a question.

“I do.” Despite her best efforts, Jen’s voice came out strained and thick.

“Why?”

“Because I think it would be better for the both of us in the long run. I’m having some doubts about my ability to command adequately with you onboard and I think you would probably like to be closer to your family. You’ve never exactly expressed a love for being out in space anyway, I would think you’d jump at the chance to be more local.”

What hurt possibly more than ordering him off the ship at all was being so cold and technical about it.

“Why are you saying this like it’s the easiest thing in the world for you to do?” His voice was small and almost broke Jen’s resolve.

“Bones, I’m… This…” He stood from his chair and she leapt back as if she was afraid. She put her hand out to stop him from coming any closer.

“Jen, please don’t do this to me. You know that being out here has only ever been bearable because of you.”

She took a steadying breath that did little to actually soothe her. Her outstretched hand was visibly shaking and her heart was racing. “Bones, I’m doing this so you don’t ever have to say that to anyone but your wife ever again.” The next breath she took wheezed into her body and she ground the heel of her hand into her chest to try and ease some of her discomfort; it didn’t help and only made her more acutely aware of how close she was to breaking down.

“I’m doing this becau –” A sob threatened to leave her mouth involuntarily, but she choked it back and pressed on. “I’m doing this because everyone leaves me, Bones, and for once I’d like to have some control over the situation.”

“You think I’d leave you?” he whispered, seeming to choke on his heart himself.

A couple of tears slid down her cheek and her shoulders sagged. “You already… have…” she croaked.

Bones appeared to deflate before her, but she tried not to look at him. “Oh, Jen…” He took a single step forward and Jen raised her hand higher to keep him in place.

“Bones, don’t.” He started to protest but she cut him off. “I’ve never stopped loving you and I don’t think I ever will. But this is what’s best for both of us; in the end, it will be easier. You just have to trust me.”

“I don’t think I can live with that, Jen.”

“Luckily, I’m not giving you the option.”

“Can I…” he shifted on his feet, trying to decide if he should say what was on his mind. Throwing all caution to the wind, he asked her, “Can I hold you one last time? Please?”

The request caused a fresh wave of despair to crash through her. She clenched her eyes shut and ground the hell of her hand into her sternum again, harder. Tears slipped past her lashes and splashed down her cheeks and to the floor. She shook her head in answer to Bones and then looked at him. Alien tears were streaming down his face as well.

“No, Bones. I don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“Well, why not?” He was angry now, but still just as upset as she.

“Because I’m afraid I wouldn’t let you go. And I need to let you go.”

Bones sniffled and furiously wiped at his eyes. A traitorous half-sob escaped him and he straightened up. He hardened his face before stepping out into public again and nodded. “Thank you, Captain.” Then he was gone.

Jen locked the door and issued a Captain’s override to forestall anyone who might try to check on her. Then she collapsed to the floor. This was the hardest thing she had ever had to do, but she’d done it. She felt a strange mixture of pride in with her sadness. An hour later, she was able to compose herself enough to leave and go back to her quarters.

A month later, Bones had stood by his word and Jen was holding his request for transfer in her hands. She approved it.


	2. Alternate Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate ending for "Stars Watch Me Fall Apart"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the original ending I wrote, but it didn't feel right. I sorta needed the story to be dark. But I still wanted to publish this with it because I'd spent so much time on it. I hope you enjoy it and go see a dentist right after because it's saccharine as hell!
> 
> There are more than a few phrases reused in this from the other ending [or rather, vice verse] because I really loved how they sounded.
> 
> Thanks for reading!!!

Almost as soon as they got inside, her comm rang off from her desk. She stumbled to answer it; it was Tristan.

“Hi, babe!” Jen sing-songed at his projection. They both looked the worse for the wear.

“Hey, honey. You make it home okay? I saw you with some guy…”

“He’s a friend. I promise.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to –”

“Tristan.” That was all it took for the man to trust her, but she went on anyway. “He’s a friend. I’ll be okay. And now that I know you got home okay, I’ll be even better.”

“Alrighty. Talk to you soon, babe.”

“Okay, sugar. Bye, now!” Jen said before ending the transmission. She stretched, joints popping pleasantly.

“Stop stretchin’, Jen. You’ll hurt yourself more.” Jen started; she’d nearly forgotten he was there with her. “Come ‘ere.”

She walked over to her own kitchen table where Bones had set up a bastardization of an emergency room. Sitting heavily down, she winced.

“Let me take a look at ya…” Bones muttered, pulling her face closer to him. Her eyes slipped shut at his touch and she sighed. “What have you done, girl? There are bruises on top of bruises and these scars look fresh.”

His words made her harden again. She shrugged and said simply, “I’ve been busy.”

“I can see that. Why, though?”

“Have my reasons…”

“Don’t be juvenile, Jen! It’s unbecoming.”

“How’s your wife?” Jen asked suddenly, hoping to catch him off guard enough to shut him up.

He gaped at her for a moment before his eyes turned sad. “She’s fine, I s’pose. Not exactly my wife, though…”

“Oh? I thought you were really going to make it work this time.” Without even meaning to, Jen was telling Bones everything that was bothering her and every single one of her reasons for her behavior.

“We’ve been trying… Just seems were really weren’t meant to be.”

Jen was actually a little sad for him. “I’m sorry, Bones…” she whispered. “How’s Jo?”

“Better than I’d ever have expected. She’s my grown lady now.”

“That’s real good. I’m glad.”

They both sat in an awkward silence for a while as Bones mended Jen’s face and wrapped her ribs. When he was done, he put his hands between his knees, not knowing what else to do.

“Do you… maybe want something to eat? Something to drink?” Jen offered. She found herself not wanting Bones to leave now that she had him again.

“Let me.” He got up and went to her cabinets. She leapt up to try and stop him, but her ribs screamed at her and she fell back. It was too late anyway; Bones had already seen the mass of liquor bottles she was trying to hide from the world. “What the fuck is this?” He was furious.

“It’s n –”

“Just what the fuck do you think you’re you doin’? What is wrong with you?”

Jen’s lips trembled and she averted her gaze from his. Only moments ago, she’d wanted him to stay forever, but now she wished he would just go. Either that or she wished she could disappear.

“I, uhm… I don’t have a good explanation for this…”

“Drinkin’ and fightin’ and sleepin’ around? What in the hell is goin’ on with you, girl?”

She sniffled and got up to grab a sweater; she was very cold suddenly. “It’s a very poor coping mechanism.”

“It’s just about the shittiest coping mechanism!” he scolded her and she shifted uncomfortably, finally being confronted by someone she cared about. “I’ve _been_ an alcoholic, Jennifer! What makes you think you get to do this to yourself?”

“It just sorta happened, Bones. And I’m not exactly an alcoholic. I’m just kinda…” she considered the right term. Nothing she said would make it okay – with either of them – but she had to say something. “Bored. And hurt.”

Bones regarded her with severe incredulity. “Is this about me and Jocelyn?”

“You could say that.” Jen sighed and sat down in the chair again.

“What else might I be able to say about it?”

“You could say that I’m going to bed and just make sure to lock the door when you leave.” Bones watched her as she made her way to her bedroom. She knew he would leave because he had no reason to stay; his family was likely waiting for him. Hoping she would pass right out, she took off her clothes and put on her Academy Marathon tank top to wear to bed. She curled up under her blankets and tried to will herself to sleep. Instead, knowledge of the man in the other room brought back every single twinge of pain she’d felt since he’d told her he was leaving her. Suddenly, she found it very hard to breathe and the room swam in front of her for the tears in her eyes. She was unable to control the gasps and sobs escaping her so she buried her face in her pillow and let them fall.

In the morning, she found herself still fully under the covers. The morning sun was entirely too cheerful as it slipped through her windows. She flopped onto her back and stared at the ceiling for a long moment before rolling out of bed and stumbling into the bathroom. Making her way back through her room, she decided not to waste time with pants just yet, but a sweater was in order. The next step was coffee. Maybe toast.

She stopped short as she stepped out of her bedroom. On the sofa lay Bones. He’d taken the blanket off the back of the couch and curled his long body under it to sleep here. In her apartment. With her. The image struck her and very nearly reduced her to tears. Deciding not to wake him, she tip-toed into the kitchen. She readied the coffee maker and got out two mugs. As she waited for the coffee to brew, she leaned on her hands braced against the counter and hung her head against her chest. The smell of coffee filled her nose and she relaxed a little. However, the feel of a large hand on her back startled her and she jumped to the side.

“Jesus, Bones! You scared the hell out of me!” She put her hand on her chest and attempted to soothe her rapidly beating heart.

He was bleary-eyed and his hair was a mess. Jen hated how much she missed seeing him like that. “‘M sorry, darlin’.” The term of endearment was even worse.

“You stayed. I was kinda surprised… Coffee’s workin’.” Her heart was still beating furiously, but it was no longer from being startled.

“Thanks.” He leaned against the counter opposite her and rubbed the sleep out of the muscles in his arms. She briefly raked her eyes over him, missing the hard lines of his face and the strength in the muscles of his arms and thighs. He’d taken off his jeans and stood in her kitchen wearing his t-shirt and boxer shorts. This was torture for her.

“Why did you think I would leave?” She’d forgotten how he lacked a filter when he was still waking up.

“You did last time.” Honesty deserved honesty, right?

The man before her visibly deflated and then sighed. “It was different last time, Jen.”

“Was it?”

“It was! I’d made a promise to Jocelyn and I was just trying to do right by my daughter.”

“I understand, Bones. I do. Your daughter is the most important thing in the universe to you. And she should be! I really do get that.”

“Then what the hell is it, Jen? Talk to me!” Jen shifted uncomfortably. “Jen, please!”

“Everybody leaves, Bones!” she found herself yelling. “Everybody! And I always fuck things up! The only good thing I’ve _ever_ had is the opportunity to be on that ship and they might take that away from me because I’m not good enough! And you?! You left me, too! I’m not good enough for you to want to stick around. We were both broken when we met, but only _I_ stayed broken enough to be worthless!” She wiped angrily at the tears steadily flowing down her cheeks. Sniffing and flipping her hands out uselessly, she asked, “So, do you understand now?”

“Darlin’, I –”

“I’m not good enough for my family, I’m not good enough for Starfleet, I’m not good enough for my Enterprise, and I’m not good enough for you. I’m. Never. Good. Enough.” Finally putting her fears out in the open caused her to break down.

Her face twisted and, with a heartbreakingly fragile sob, she collapsed against the counter with her face in her hands. Bones stood there for a moment, just looking at her, not really knowing what to do. He slowly moved forward and reached out to put his hand on her arm. At first, she flinched away from him but she soon lost the will to fight and let him crowd into her space. Pained sobs continued to wrack her suddenly tiny body. Bones ached to fix her and to make her feel worthy.

As gently as he could, he started to hug her. He slowly wrapped his arms around her shaking shoulders. He began pulling her away from the counter to lean against his chest. She moved easy at his physical suggestion, but she didn’t immediately take her hands away from her face. Hot tears were soaking into the sleeves of her sweater. The hug started out awkward, but Jen slowly melted into his embrace. Wiping her nose on her sleeve one last time, she wrapped her arms around his neck and nuzzled his chest. Bones felt the tears soak into his t-shirt, but he didn’t care.

“Jen, I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through. You deserve better.” His words wrenched another sob from her and she drew her right hand back from his neck to cover her mouth. “Listen to me, darlin’; you _are_ good enough. You’re more than good enough. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to Starfleet and they know it. Pike will fight for you, you know he will.” He buried his hand in her hair and nuzzled closer to her. She felt his lips move against her as he whispered, “And as for me? I left because you’re a great deal _too good_ for me and I wanted to give you the chance to find someone who really deserves you. Because I sure as hell don’t.”

Jen withdrew from his arms and looked at him with the most incredulity Bones had ever seen on a single person’s face. He was about to ask her what was on her mind when she expressed it herself, confusing him greatly.

“Are you stupid or somethin’?”

Bones could only blink dumbly at her. “I… Uhm… Well, I…”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! You left because you think I’m too good for you?!”

She pounded her fist against the meat of his chest, earning a half-hearted “Ow!”

“You don’t think the fact that _I chose you_ means anything? With you accepting my laundry list of insecurities and neuroses and you think I wanted someone _else_?” Bones floundered. “I love you, you fucking moron!” She hit him again in the same exact spot. He had to give it to her; her aim was incredible.

“I didn’t –”

“You can defend your piss poor excuse when I’m done yelling at you!” His mouth snapped shut. “I have all this bullshit going on in my head and you accept me with all of that. No one in the _universe_ understands me the way you do, except for maybe Chris. How could you think I’d even _want_ to try and find someone else to deal with me! I don’t want to ‘find someone who deserves me’ because it’s only ever been you, Bones!”

Jen had finally run out of steam for yelling. She moved back into his space and put her hands on his face. He placed his large, warm hands on hers to hold her there. “I was broken and nothing. You fixed me and made me everything. In return, I thought you’d let me fix you and make you everything… I’ve only ever wanted _you_ , Leonard.” Her face fell Bones felt as though her very soul seemed tired and sad. “And you went and let me think I wasn’t good enough for you.”

For a moment, he couldn’t speak; he just couldn’t find the right words to say. He looked into her eyes where tears still sat on the edge, ready to fall.

“I guess I must be stupid, then.” A surprised laugh burst from Jen’s mouth. He pulled her into a tight hug, which she gladly returned. She was still sniffling slightly, but laughter bubbled forth as Bones hugged her like he never intended to let her go. “You’re still too good for me. But I think I can learn to live with it.” She mumbled something into his shoulder. “Wha’s’at, darlin’?”

Jen drew back to look him in the face. “You fuckin’ better!” He laughed and she kissed him.

“Can I ask ya somethin’?” Jen nodded. “What did you mean when you said ‘they might take the Enterprise away from you’?”

Jen scrunched her face in reluctance. Bones gently shook her back and forth, trying to get her to speak. “I’m being put on probation for a year…”

“What? Why?”

“Because of the fighting…” Bones sighed and she averted her eyes, ashamed. “Chris has already pleaded my case and I’m sure he’ll call soon to scold me within an inch of my life. The only reason I’m not grounded for a year is because of him. But…” There was a thread on her sleeve that suddenly was very interesting. “It means I won’t get to go into deep space until I can prove I’m still competent.”

“Oh, you’ll prove it. I’ll make damn sure of that!”

Jen cocked an eyebrow and examined his face. “Are you on my ship?”

“Yeah. Why would I not be?”

“I sorta thought that you would have asked for a transfer seeing as you were supposed to be getting back together with your wife and all. Transfer requests were to be submitted six months ago, so, I kinda thought –”

“You thought I’d abandon you even further?”

“Well…” Jen shrugged sheepishly. “Yeah. I mean, to put it more kindly, I thought you would transfer to a ship that was going to stay local or transfer to a Starfleet hospital. You know… To be with your family.”

Bones pulled her close again. “Jo understands. She wants me to come back with stories from space and she wants your stories, too. She’s grown enough that she doesn’t want me around all the time anyway.” He kissed her hair and whispered directly in her ear, “Besides, out there, you’re all the family I need.”

“You old smoothie.” Jen whispered, kissing his shoulder. He chuckled and began to sway with her in the kitchen, dancing slowly. In conjunction with his dance, Jen began to hum an old tune. Softly, she began to sing to him. “You go to my head with a smile that makes my temperature rise like a summer with a thousand Julys. You intoxicate my soul with your eyes. Though I’m certain that this heart of mine hasn’t a ghost of a chance in this crazy romance. You go to my head… You go to my head.”

Kissing her, he murmured, “Let me make you some coffee, Billie.”

Jen sat on her sofa and curled her legs up to her chest. She heard Bones bustling about in the kitchen and then he was bringing two steaming mugs of coffee around to the front. He handed one to her and then sat down next to her. The hot liquid warmed her from the inside out and she sighed happily. Bones drew her close to him with the hand that wasn’t cradling his coffee mug. She gladly snuggled closer into his arms and laid her head against his chest. They sat in companionable silence for a while.

Bones cleared his throat before gesturing to the other side of the room. “What are those standing up on the desk?”

“Your cards.” Jen said fondly.

“You kept them?” She nodded. “I thought you’d be too mad at me to even look at them. I thought you’d throw them out.”

“I can never stay mad at you.”

The silence swallowed the room again, but it wasn’t uncomfortable; it was understanding.

“I missed you, Jen.”

“I missed you, too, Bones.”

“I’m never leaving you again.”

“I know, Bones.”

He shifted so he could tip her face up to see it better. “I love you, Jen.”

“I love you, Bones.”

A year later, Jen had successfully proven that she was still competent to be a starship captain and they cleared the Enterprise and her crew for another deep space mission. Jen was wary of using the term “happily ever after” because it was hackneyed and cliché. Also because their lives were hectic and unpredictable and Bones was often yelling at Jen for putting her life in danger. However… Being with Bones in deep space sure felt as close to “happily ever after” that she was likely to ever get. And she’d gladly take it.”

**Author's Note:**

> There is an alternate ending, so just keep on going! Sorry for the downer ending, but I felt this one was a little more appropriate. The next one is fluffy. Read on and maybe feel a little better.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!!!


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